When you become a Kafir (disbeliever) in your heart.. what do you do?

Asalaamu alaykum waRahmatullahi waBarakaatuh

When you become a Kafir (disbeliever) in your heart.. what do you do?

My Experiences:


Last year someone asked me a question about an anti-Islamic claim. No-one could answer it, so I looked for answers for it on other sites.

I noticed another brother who was famous for providing answers had also faced this question, but he himself couldn't find an answer for it. So he was confused for a while... - after alot of mental confusion he replied - 'I don't know, it's like now i'm only Muslim by name.''

This really shocked me. I wondered why this person had said this? What made him so confident in saying this when he could have kept this thought quietly in his head until he had improved his emaan and become a stronger Muslim?

Lately, I've seen this trend growing and it's really saddened me. People who I used to look upto have even fallen into this.



This is what I see:

1 - They start off with being really energetic when they newly start practising, then after around 2 years their emaan energy level drops.*

*NOTE: I have seen this trend because people when becoming 'newly practising Muslims';

i - first read the meaning of the Qur'an,
ii - then read the Biography of the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alayhi wasalam),
iii - then read the lives of the Salaf.
iv - Then they read what happens later on in our history, and forget to continuously read the meaning of the Quran and Biography of the Messenger for Guidance in their lives. This abandoning of the guidance leads the person to go into deeper parts of our history which involves Sects and Wars amongst Muslims. So this person gets confused and gets a harsh attitude - causing them to find religion a burden instead of a source of guidance and right-direction.

2 - Then they cannot reach that high level of emaan (which they had at the beginning), so they start becoming stressed out. They will try doing things to strengthen their emaan, so they will get short bursts of it - but it will go back to the low level again.

3 - They go Absent from the Islamic community (whether it's online or offline). (This slight distance from the Islamic community gets them more attached to the non-Islamic world.)


4 -They come back and either start freshly again, but most of the times they don't. Some even start getting interested into going into other sects (like Sufism) because they believe it is more spiritual. Sadly though, I have seen many people leaving Islam after joining a distorted version of Sufism for some time. (the praiseworthy ascetic Sufis are those who follow the Salaf (righteous earliest Muslims), the dispraised are those who oppose the Salaf's way).

- Alot of people who followed the wrong sect and went astray and left Islam altogether.

- Others leave Islam because they themselves couldn't find answers like the first brother mentioned in the article.

- Some expose their disbelief while others keep it quiet within themselves. But one thing is for sure, they are daring enough to admit their rebellion against Allah.





So we have to wonder, why is this? What is the root problem? And how can any of us fall into it?


Biggest Disease: I know for sure - the biggest problem for each of these people is that they do not have a strong relationship with Allah & they do NOT want to strengthen their relationship with Him. If they were really close to Allah with Islam, they would beg Allah for help in whatever they were confused in. They would cling onto Allah because they loved Him. But they didn't hope for Allah.. so Allah let them go...




Allah tells us that shaytaan said;

قَالَ فَبِعِزَّتِكَ لَأُغْوِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ - إِلَّا عِبَادَكَ مِنْهُمُ الْمُخْلَصِينَ

[Iblees] said, "By your might, I will surely mislead them all. Except, among them, Your MukhliSeen slaves - (Quran Saad 38: 82-83)



MuKhliS is someone who;

- has IkhlaaS = Sincerety
- is KhaaliS = Pure (from sins and shirk.)


So if you have symptoms of low emaan, ask yourself this;

1 - When I do actions, am I doing it for the sake of Allah? If not, you're lacking IkhlaaS (sincerety) - and therefore you are exposed to shaytaan.

2 - Do you do sins which are bad? Then you are not being Pure (KhaaliS) to Allah, therefore you are exposed to shaytaan misguiding you.


Now when you had emaan, you felt strongly close to Allah and always in tranquility/calmness. But when it lowered, you probably started sinning, doing less good actions, or doing your actions less sincerely for Allah.

That caused you to go astray and lose that happiness, and if you never stayed persistent in trying to strengthen yourself in emaan (i.e. By begging Allah), then it would stay low and you would persistently feel miserable.



Allah tells us;

'O mankind! eat from the earth what is halaal (permissible) and pure , and do not follow the footsteps of shaytaan, surely he is for you especially a clear enemy' (Quran al Baqarah 2:68)

Why does Allah tell us to eat the Halaal, and why does He compare it to shaytaan's footsteps?

I have heard stories of knowledgeable Muslims who have left Islam secretly, and they do sins which have gone past all limits. This is a Proof that shaytaan exists, because when people leave Islam, they don't just start living their lives like they did before Islam, but they follow the footsteps of shaytaan in doing the worst of evils.

When emaan continues to drop, you go past ALL limits. If you have left the path of guidance, then the only other path is misguidance. If you are walking the path of misguidance while knowing the right path - how more evil can you get? This is exactly what Iblees (shaytaan) did after abandoning guidance, these are the footsteps of shaytaan.





2 stories:

There is a sister who says that she lowered in emaan and due to that, she went to a bad shop where they sell bad things. She said she felt no regret about it at all, except one fear. (which we will discuss soon)

I have also heard of another sister who was an Islamic teacher and she left her teaching job for another public job as a bad woman - sharing her sins recorded publicly.

You know what is meant by this, and this is why Allah tells us to eat the Halaal (permissible) and Pure things, and NOT to follow the footsteps of shaytaan. Because when people start sinning, they even forget to do the permissible and pure (like marriage), and they become fooled into and addicted to the Haraam (forbidden things) and impure things.



Symptoms:

These are the most common symptoms people get when they have this attitude. They are;

- being Emotionless
- falling into Extreme sin (rebellion)
- The path of Kufr (ungratefulness & disbelief).

So in some ways, they are worse than normal people who do not know the Guidance.





The Fear Safety Tool:

When people leave Islam after knowing its truthfulness, they follow their desires. But in its early stages, they feel really bad. One of the biggest things they feel is a constant fear and anxiety.

This fear and anxiety of destruction is your last safety tool and a massive blessing, without it you would have left Islam a long time ago. Yet Allah has given you abit of respite time to return.

If you lose this fear and continue on the wrong path - you will earn the wrath of Allah, and a gradual destruction which will reach you from where you don't expect. And you will never find safety except if you turn back to the guidance.



How do I use this Fear Safety Tool to my Advantage?

1 - You force yourself to beg Allah to help you out of this state. Whether you want to or not, even if Islam seems like an uphill struggle. Because you know that Islam is better than all other uphill struggles of life - it is the truth (even if all things don't make sense to you.)

You need to beg - otherwise you are in danger. This is your last means for safety. So ask Allah for safety, and to make His pleasure easy for you. Especially in sajdah (prostration) - the best position to recieve calmness in.

2 - Listen to nasheeds, or lectures which uplift your spirit. You know what increased you in emaan (faith) in the beginning, so revive those feelings through experiencing them again.

Mera dil badal dei (change my heart) nasheed by Junaid Jamshed is a good nasheed and is a prayer to Allah for help.
Or Talib al Habib's nasheeds are good.

All heart softening nasheeds which have a sincere du'a (wish) will be useful for you.


3 - Do NEW/refreshing Islamic activities which raise your rank in the sight of Allah:

You might be in situation similar to the brother mentioned at the beginning of this article who gave da'wah but his emaan didn't increase.

So what you need to do is pause the activity which is distracting you from Allah. Then do a good deed which freshens your emaan (faith).

I did Da'wah sometimes because i felt I had to benefit others with some knowledge I had. But non muslims reacted harshly and some time later I got exhausted and my emaan dropped too. So I wondered why my eman wasn't increasing if I am doing da'wah (calling to Allah) which is good?

The answer is: You're supposed to sustain your da'wah with good acts of worship (like salaah and du'a which connects you strongly and constantly to Allah.) Allah's Messenger (sal Allahu alayhi wasalam) was commanded with Tahajjud (night prayer when people sleep).

So pause your da'wah if your emaan is dropping and focus on yourself and Allah for a few days. Because your main priority is saving your OWN SELF from the fire. You know which things increase you in Emaan, so do them things.


Some common thoughts:

'I don't get the same emotions' - you know you feel 'alive', 'colorful', happy in a certain way when your emaan is strong. But when your emaan drops, you feel sad and gloomy, and depressed.

Then when you try to strengthen it, you feel you're not getting the same good emotions. So you wonder, what am I doing wrong?


Answer: You are doing something partially wrong which is preventing you from tranquility (sukoon). But you are doing something good to increase yourself in emaan, which is a proof of your sincerety to Allah. Sincerety is the secret to success with Allah.

If you sustain this good - hoping to make Allah happy, He will make you happy. So carry on doing the good, even if you feel you are not getting the same happiness yet, it will come. But to feel the full happiness - you will have to submit to Islam whole-heartedly just like you did when you tasted the full sweetness of emaan at the beginning.


My main point is: Don't judge your emaan on your 'inner feeling' alone, but judge it on how much good you are doing to make Allah happy.
If you keep it up, Allah will unveil this happiness to you because you showed your desperation and sincerety to Him.




Do New Fresh Good deeds to sustain your Emaan:

Emaan usually drops when you abandon good deeds, and you waste your time doing wasteful things which will not grow you spiritually. You have to seek closeness to Allah in everything you do, otherwise you will get closer to something else and you will gradually forget Allah. Then you will follow shaytaan and he will distance you even more from Allah and soon lead you to the hellfire.


What often encourages me to refresh my Emaan are the Ahadeeth Qudsi. And to turn to Allah in fear, hope, longing and repentance repeatedly.


إِنَّهُ لَا يَيْأَسُ مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ إِلَّا الْقَوْمُ الْكَافِرُونَ
Indeed, no one despairs of relief (RawH) from Allah except the disbelieving people (kaafiroon)." - Surah Yusuf 12:87 -

The word RawH comes from the root word RaaHa which means 'Relaxation'. So no-one gives up of the relief and relaxation from Allah except the people who choose to be ungrateful/disbelieve (kufr) to Him.

This is why those who lose Emaan and don't care about getting close to Allah again - they will soon become ungrateful to Allah and soon become disbelievers (kaafiroon.)



Conclusion:

Symptoms of Disease:

1 - Lack of Sincerety.
2 - Laziness in doing good deeds.
3 - Lack of Purity (physical and spiritual)
4 - Sinful attitudes.

5 - Lack of personal space/time to increase yourself in Emaan. (maybe you spent too much time in da'wah that you exhausted yourself, and now you just need time to recover?)

6 - Wasting time in worthless activities which distance you from Allah, so they seem more pleasing to you and gradually you don't care even if you say evil about Allah - because you don't seek closeness to Him. (see example of this here; Quran al Maa'idah 5:64 ; Quran Fat-h 48:6)


Cures for the Disease:

1 - the Final Fear which Allah has put in your heart before a soon destruction. You HAVE to take advantage of this fear from Allah, if you ignore it - you will become the worst of criminals who earn Allah's wrath/anger.

2 - Begging Allah to save you from His anger and promising Him you will try your best to stay on this good path.

3 - Learning Qur'an, Arabic and seeing the character of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wasalam) to gain certainty in the Miraculous Divine nature of the Qur'an (this certain knowledge will encourage you to stay firm on Islam.)

4 - Having good thoughts about Allah and reviving your hope in His Mercy, pleasure and reward of Paradise. Hoping from Allah that you can reach there someday.

5 - Making your own space and time to relax and reconsider which path is better for you.

6 - Listening to Heart softener and du'a (prayer) based nasheeds. They will relax your heart and reconnect you with Allah.

7 - Work gradually in small good deeds again, and try to earn the pleasure of Allah by showing Him your sincerety.

8 - Try not to fall into the same mistakes you did when you lost your emaan.

9 - Make du'a to Allah, remain thankful to Him. So when you want to talk to Allah, you make du'a. When you want Allah to talk to you, make short term and long term du'as.

Short term duas include small things like asking Allah to give you a happy day. So when you have a happy day - you feel thankful to Him and increase in emaan.

When your short term duas work, you know your long term duas/wishes have also been heard by Allah.


10 - Repeat this process throughout your life and continuously keep yourself busy with new fields of good deeds to keep yourself busy with good works until you face the reality (death), so when you meet your Provider - He will be happy with you and you will have mountains of good deeds which will hopefully be accepted by Him.


O Allah, turner of the hearts - keep my heart firm on your guidance and obedience, ameen!




Further Reading:

Ibn al Jawzi, Ibn al Qayyim - they are experts in explaining the sicknesses of the heart and the cures for it. Here's a good book you should download and read slowly;

Purification of the Soul: http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/Puri...nOfTheSoul.pdf

Love, can it happen again?

asalam alaikum

What Can I do?

How long has it been now?


2 weeks..


oh ok.. listen, try not to think about it too much then.


what can i do though? that's all i got on my mind.


hm.. what did you used to do, like what do you miss?



It's jus..st that we could talk about anything together. We said we wouldn't end it.. i don't, i don't think i can ever move on..


But, it wasn't even for too long.


Yeah, i know.. but my whole life, it feels worthless now..


No, don't say that!


it is though.. seriosly, everything that happened to me, it feels as if the rest of it's irrelevant, except the time when i was with them.


Can't you try to forget about it though?



no.. i think the reason why its so powerful is because usually.. in our lives, we do things which we don't fully focus on. So we don't use all our senses, maybe use hearing, listening while talking to someone. Or maybe tasting when you're eating.. but the difference is that when you're with that person.. you use all the senses you have, and that makes you remember them memories more.

Like, you use your eyes to stare at them, and your eyes pupils become bigger so you can stare into their eyes.. you hear every word they say carefully, trying to remember it; every word they say, and every moment feels special.


What about the others like smell, taste, and feeling?


All the time you got that person on your mind, so whenever you do anything - it reminds you of that person.. whenever you eat something, that taste remains in your mind, the scents you smell, the things you touch. It all gets stored in your memory.. that's why anything you do after makes you feel hopeless, because all your emotions feel limited, whenever you remember the person, you feel lost, because their not there for you no more...



Oh.. do you feel like moving on though? So that way, you can try to forget the past and try to do new things to keep your mind busy?



Move on to what though? I thought he/she was my future.. we could be together and have a family together. But, it looks like.. it was all false promises, it all just ended so quick..

I'm tired now.. tired of this world. I don't know what to do, where to go.. it's like, like...



It's like what?



.. I don't know what to say. You know like when you hold some ice, even though its freezing cold, you still feel it burning you, just like fire. The one that made me feel so special, they were the one who made me feel the lowest.. it's like they didn't even care. They just ended it.



...

------------------





Patience...



You kept listening, trying to understand what they were going through. They would sometimes get breathless and emotional like before, but they had stopped contacting this person now, they had given up hope in them.. yeah - they desired to be with them again.. but we don't always get what we want in this world. Usually this is a blessing in disguise from Allaah.



Therefore, we can say that the first step for you is is to lookafter the person who's hurt, allow them to explain how they feel, and allow them to let it all out instead of keeping it locked in.


Don't always keep saying to them that 'you will get over it', or 'there are plenty of other fish in the sea' because this hurts the person more. They don't want any other fish apart from the one they were with before.


Every person differs on how long it takes for them to recover, so you will have to be patient.

However, you can tell them to be patient and gradually with time they will be able to move on.



At the same time explain to them that they might feel they can't move on, but Allaah has made us in a way so that we can, but this takes patience. The person will realise this later on in life, and its still worth mentioning because its something positive.

At the same time you can explain that Allaah never overburdens a soul with more than it can bear.

On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns.

(Pray: ) "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith."

[Qur'an 2:286]

Your friend will still feel sad.. they don't really want to move on, they want to be with this person. But they can't.. we know this world is surrounded by hardships, and even though Allaah may take away something/someone we love away from us, it is only for our own good. Allaah knows what is in the future, while we don't.




This person we were in love with may have given us a worser time in this life in the future, maybe made us live a sinful life, or maybe even lead us into the hellfire because of our sins and wrongdoing [we seek refuge in Allaah from this.]


The reason why its a blessing in disguise is because if it wasn't for this reason that stopped them, they would try to cling on even if they had to hold onto a thread. However, by one person ending it - it's actually the only way the person can try to move on [because their not getting any positive response from their ex anyway.] Other situations which force the relationship to end, such as parents, death, moving away etc are all different ways which may break up a relationship.

But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.

[Qur'an 2:216]

You have to move forward...


As time passes by, your friend will gradually have to move on, whether they like it or not.




What can you do?



The first thing is, you have to make them lift their head up. If their still thinking about the past, it's going to keep them depressed for even longer.


Do this only after a few weeks, or 2/3 months minimum.. otherwise it's going to be rushed. It's also going to be hard to push them forward if you don't allow them the time for rest, or time to get over it.


You need to bring them to a new group of people. The best thing to do is to bring this person to practising muslims, maybe in a new environment.

This is because the person experiences a new place, and different people.




The new environment is important because your friend will experience new things. Maybe see something new, talk to, and listen to others who have a different mindset, compared to your mates old friends. Your friend will still feel in a daze, however these new people are likely to keep your friends mind more occupied, instead of your friend just staying at home all day [while remaining depressed about everything which occured in their past relationship]






Okay, lets see what we've just said.

1) Allow your friend to feel sad, and explain how they feel for a few weeks. Reassure them that things will get better inshaa'Allaah.

Don't use quotes like 'there are plenty more fish in the sea' or 'get over it' - but show that you feel their pain. And show them that you're a good friend. If you become arrogant and tell them their acting like a baby, their just going to feel more hurt.

Also pray to Allaah for them, because Allaah is the one who changes the hearts.



2) After a few weeks or 2/3months. Bring them to practising muslim friends so these people can benefit them in a good way inshaa'Allaah.



The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said:

"A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend."

[Abu Dawood and at-Tirmidhee]



These people will make the person move on from their sad memories and make them think about new things. Your friend will have more contact with different people [instead of the sinning friends they may have had before.]


Keep this constant and make your friend meet them and go to different environments to keep their mind occupied. These environments can include meeting other good friends, reflecting on the creation of Allaah [i.e. scenery], visiting islamic seminars etc. anything which will make the person feel abit more different, a new experience for them. Their in a weak, timid state - so they need to have a calm place, time where they can feel relaxed. This is usually common in places where there is alot of nature.

Gradually as time passes by, your friend will start thinking less about the past and be occupied with the present inshaa'Allaah.

Remember we discussed in an earlier chapter that your friend's just been pushed off a plane? It's really important that you take them to safety with good practising muslim friends. If you don't, their just going to become harsh, or get influenced by society again to do more wrong.. which may make them hard hearted, and push them further into darkness - which we really don't want.



People differ alot; some move on from the past within a few weeks, months, others it might even take a year or more. However, the same method applies, but the timing differs. You know your friend, and you have to help them - its your responsibility. Don't give up on them, if you work hard enough and place your trust in Allaah - He will help youl; dua' (prayer) and patience - these are of the most powerful weapons which we underestimate.




You keep hearing this statement loads right? You're a baby, and you're going to be affected by those around you. You're the friend, it's your responsibility to help them from not falling astray. It's also your responsibility to be with those who are practising islaam, otherwise you could fall astray too.

So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.

[Qur'an Inshirah 94:5-6]

A man asked the Prophet about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, "When will the Hour be?" The Prophet said, "What have you prepared for it?" The man said, "Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Apostle. " The Prophet said, "You will be with those whom you love." We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet (i.e., "You will be with those whom you love.") Therefore, I love the Prophet , Abu Bakr and 'Umar, and I hope that I will be with them because of my love for them though my deeds are not similar to theirs. Anas narrated it.

Who do we really love?

Those who follow the way of the dwellers of paradise, or do we love the way of those who are under the wrath of Allaah?

Which group of people do we really want to be raised up with?

"They forced me..."

Asalam alaikum Warahmatulah Wabarakatuh

"They forced me..."


It’s always us quiet ones isn’t it? The ones who don’t speak out when their parents say to them that we’re getting you married to someone from abroad. We might say 'no..' quietly, but that doesn't really matter to them, because they've already made up their mind. Why is it that the ones who speak out or make a really big noise get away with it? If only I could rebel, its only because i'm quiet that they're using me to get their own way.

That's how you're probably feeling if you've been told you're going to get married abroad. You really want to get married to someone from here, someone who has the same likes as you, someone who knows what you know...


But, its going to happen anyway.


I remember when I was younger, I dreamt I would marry at the age of 25 when I'd just finish uni. I used to dream that I'd chillout with that person and we'd drive around in a M3, watch the sunset together and chillax.

But that didn't happen. I went through some parts of life and reached a stage where I didn't want to be with anyone, I hated it, it felt it would be too much of a burden.

So it was during this exact period, I was told I had to get married.



But you're a guy, how can they force you?

Alot of people say that you're a guy, and you could say NO easily. So i just want to say to all the bros who are going through similar, don't worry - we know its not that easy. To everyone else, this happens in alot of households. Usually, everyone in the house is pressurised - sometimes even threatened - if they don't agree with what's been said. If guys could say no, they would - but some care for their families too much that they feel they have to accept - to keep the house together. Others can say no, and alhamdulillah there isn't much problems that happen after that.

With girls, yes - its hard. If the word slips outside the house that she rejected any idea of marriage, people will question why she said no. 'Has she got a boyfriend?' No. She just wants to be abit more independent, so if her husband turns out to be someone who just wants the visa, atleast she's got some education to support herself. But they don't understand this.



To the Parents

Parents, atleast choose someone who is religious in the proper sense that they have taqwa of Allah. Taqwa in the sense that they fear Allah to be just and fair to your son or daughter. The whole reason you say you get them married abroad is because 'the youth here are bad' - so pick someone whose got a good character from abroad, otherwise - you're wasting your money on the visa application.

Get to know the person, if not by yourself, then atleast through others (who aren't biased in their views) to see his/her character. See him under tough circumstances to see how he handles the pressure. Don't rush the marriage since you love your child, and the same way you spent on them as you brought them up - give them a good start to their life as a married young adult. Otherwise they might hate you for the rest of their life. Why waste all that good you've done for them? If you've spent over 16 years to bring them up, i'm sure it won't matter if you take a few months extra on the deciding someone suitable for marriage, while doing Istikharah prayer and discussing with family their opinions.


There's a Prophetic saying in which he (peace be upon him) said [its meaning]:

If he whose character and deen (practice of religion) pleases you, approaches you in marriage, then marry him, for if you don’t, their will be fitna in the land and vast corruption.
(Tirmidhi and others, see Sunan Tirmidhi #1085 and it is hassan (reliable) as per Sahih ul-Jaami’ #270).

(“fitna” here can be understood to refer to the temptation for fornication, enmity and the cutting off of relations among the people and relatives, and the spreading of hatred. - IslamQA)

So if you argue that its hard to find people who are religious, then atleast find someone who has a good character.


mini story

I know of some marriages which happened like this, they were rushed and both the guy and gurl weren't happy. Instead, all that happened is that they ended up in divorce - with the girl at loss because people might think twice before marrying her again, and the guys family at loss because now if they ever go Pakistan - their in threat of being shot by her relatives.



The Jannah on Earth - A Love & Hate thing

People abroad hear so much about the west, especially our muslim lands and come to the conclusion that its Jannah (Paradise) on earth here. My wife told me that the people think that you can get anything you want, whenever you want here. Before my dad came, he used to think that the houses would be made out of glass.

That's why people want to get their own children here too, and many will do anything to achieve that. Since you only have a limited amount of kids you can get married off, some parents feel that they need to get the most respectable, beautiful, and richest families in their pocket, to boost up their respect. The family abroad thinks that the same will happen to them, with the bonus that their kid will come to Europe, or 'Amrrika'.


But sadly, they don't take the ones who are going to get married into account.



So yeah, fast forward. The marriage takes place, alot of people invited to the feast, and the family who was supposed to enjoy the wedding the most sweat the day out. They don't enjoy it, because they have to make sure everything goes to plan. The girl herself can't eat much because it would spoil her makeup, and the cameras always in the guys face so he can't look greedy.

Who enjoys it the most? The guy with the biggest stomach on the invitation list. Do you enjoy it? No.



Then the time comes when everyone believes its forced to have intercourse on the first night, when it isn't.

"It is not obligatory for the man to have intercourse with his wife on the wedding night. They may delay that until the time that they choose. But intercourse -- in general -- is obligatory, and it is the right of both spouses"

Islam QA - Is it obligatory to have intercourse on the wedding night?

There's even proof for this in the Sunnah, where Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) didn't have intercourse with some wives on the same day as the Nikah [marriage contract] but instead, he did some time later. I.e. his wives Um Habibah, and Aa'isha fit in this category.



The Locked Room

You've probably never even kissed someone from the opposite gender before, but on the spot - people expect you to know what to do on the wedding night without telling you anything about it. They just lock you up in the same room at night, with their ears next to the door - waiting to see if you talk to each other. Oh, and this is the first time you see their face. Alhamdulillah alot of people understand what to do, kind of. In the past it must have been well tough.

If it seems too explicit, then I think the parents should know that this is how their children feel.



Okay, pause. If you reach this part of your life - its destiny. You HAD to be there at that time in that place. So long as you made the Istikharah prayer before that - then its all good. "The believers state is always good, if something displeasing happens to him - he's patient, if something good happens to him - he's thankful." [Sahih Muslim] You made the istikharah prayer so Allah guided you to what was better, if it was bad for you - Allah would remove it from your life since He knows, and you don't.


Anyone can cry and say that it I hate life, and complain and argue. But think about it, what can you really do when Allah has willed something for you that you have no power over? The only reason you don't have power over it is because it had to happen, so its for a greater wisdom which you might only see in the future.

So make du'a to Allah and He will do what is the best outcome for you.



The Superiority Complex

Now that the marriage has happened, many people from the west will have some form of superiority complex by nature - the guy/gurl married from the west may even think that they've done a favour to the person they've married, since you were already here, but they're from a poorer country and moved to a richer one - by 'using' you for the visa.

So they look down upon that person if they at first don't like them. Many have a negative attitude from the start because they were forced into it. Sometimes, the guy from the west doesn't even approach the girl he married at all. "It's my dads fault." he says to himself. The anger and jealousy is taken out on the girl who he's forced to be married to. Sometimes the girl gets angry at her mum too, she doesn't want to talk to her... and the parents questions why? if I had such a good intention for them. Good intentions aren't always enough.

I felt this way for a long time, but marriage matures you in many ways and I understood some wisdoms. So let's take a few steps back and view this situation.



"I don't want it to happen to me.." But it happens to the world.

You probably know that there are people who are forced into marriage, its a simple fact. So you say to yourself "I know this, so i dont want it to happen to me." But look at it this way; the majority of marriages within the world have always been forced or arranged in one way or another.

The majority of marriages in the world have not been love marriages, or marriages which the people chose for themselves. That's why alot of these love stories are so famous (Layla & Majnun etc), because they've strived to get married to someone they want to - but they're unable to due to dislike of parents or the pressures of society, and thats the only reason why their love stories became famous.

If you get angry with your parents, then know that they probably also got placed into an arranged marriage. If not them, then atleast their parents did. You've heard the point that 'love comes after marriage', you might disagree with it - but ask yourself this - Why don't they ever tell what happens to a couple after marriage in love stories?

It's because true love only lasts once the marriage takes place, so you stick together through the hard and easy moments. And that's when true love really shows.






Do you believe you're doing a favour in marrying this person?


Think of this;

Alot of the girls from abroad are also being forced into the marriage, just as you are. She probably hasn't seen you either. But she has to accept it because her parents said so. So do you have a right to take your anger out on her, when she probably feels more strange by living with your family? She's left her whole world for you in a strange land with different people, and the only person she can rely on is you. Are you going to let her down, when Allah has already willed that your marriage would happen?


Alot of guys here are more dependant on their families, they can get pressurized easily and the wife may percieve the husband usually as 'less independent, so less manly' - in comparison to the men who they potentially could be married to in their home countries. Since once a girls married there, the guy makes his own decisions in comparison to guys in this country - generally speaking.

Doesn't the girl feel impatient at this? Yes. But she has to accept it, the same way you should accept her if you feel shes not upto your standards.


A mini story

There's a guy I know about whose been married for around 8 years, but because he wasn't happy with the marriage - he still doesnt talk to the wife properly. Not because he's shy, but because he still has ill feelings for what his dad did of arranging his marriage. The wife tries to get along by sometimes even giving him presents, but even if he tries - it seems those ill feelings always come in his mind so he doesn't want to carry on. It's sad.. but you see, if you feel sorry for the wife in this situation - imagine you were to do the same?

Which other person can she depend on except him, when he's supposed to be the only closest one to her through this relationship? That Rahmah (mercy) in your heart should allow your heart to open up to your wife and accept the reality, and then to move forward. Didn't Allah's Messenger tell us that if you have mercy on those on earth, the one above the heavens [fi samaa'] will have Mercy on you? [Sunan Al Tirmidhi]



Your Responsibility

Allah has placed this person under you as your responsibility, they have no other person to lookafter them - and your looking after them will prove your manhood. Since you will interact with them the most, you can change their personality better, an Islamic personality. But you can only achieve this if you get that closeness to them through commitment, and through love and care for them. If you don't, then someone else will, and the person may turn out to be something you don't like. Then your marriage won't work further. Some people say that the people from abroad are slightly sneaky and you don't know their objectives, but think of it this way - they probably going through the marriage for the first time just as you are - so if you show them good, they will by nature want to do the same. I've seen so much Muslimahs from the west who hang out with their husbands from abroad and make him like they want him to be, and it seems both of them are happy with that.




Why marrying someone from abroad can be an advantage

They're still young, so they have an open mind to the world. The same way you do. When us people have biases for the people abroad of being backward, then we should know that these people are probably alot more advanced intellectually on different aspects of life than us. Not just that, they've probably experienced the world alot more than us in matters of communication, and probably know whats kool and what isn't.

There's many reasons for this, the main one being because they live the world by seeing and talking to real people in hotter climated countries because the people are more 'lively' there due to the living conditions, whereas us people like us in the west live locked up behind a computer screen (whether at home or at work) due to the freezing temperatures and talk with our fingers only to cyber people. Further - materialism and fashion has spread to even villages in the nations abroad - so they also know what's popular. So they're not really backward - they're just like you. Even then, if they don't know the latest styles - why not help them work on themselves to look the way you want them to look?


Self Honour & Respect

Something really nice about marrying people from abroad is that they have a sense of self respect or self honour, its placed into them naturally by their culture so they don't want to resort to divorce when any small problem arises. Unlike the west where we're taught that once you're divorced - you've got less problems, the opposite is felt for the people abroad. This means that this person is likely to be more committed to you, because sadly - once a woman is divorced, alot of people question or be suspicious about her - even if she hasn't done anything wrong, even if it was the guys fault. So she remains patient and sticks to the marriage. This refutes the misconception that alot of people have when they say that they only come for the visa (yes it can sometimes be true, but if you show them how amazing and sinere you really are - they won't want to leave you.)

You shouldn't abuse this, but should reach out to be patient too. Alot of Caucasian (white) men who are non muslim get married to women from other parts of the world i.e. Asia etc. because of this discipline and respect they hear about the women there.





Playing sports at 30, not 50

You probably had to get married at a young age, and that's probably why you're more dependant on family too. But think about this; Your mates from high school might still be running around like kids, deciding on whether some nex girl is attractive to them, or taking photos of themselves smiling next to a car (which they don't own) on facebook. Thats the highest point they reach in their social life - just a facebook photo which some people comment on. So they wait their whole day just for someone to comment on their pic or some stranger to add them. Wow, thats such an exciting life.

Whereas you, because of this marriage - will be reaching newer heights continuously, you'll be maturing way more quicker than your old mates, you'll have a relationship with someone without the harmful consequences of sin, and you'll be ahead in life than other people your age.

Think of it this way, it might sound huge because you might think you're not ready for it - but compare yourself with someone else who hasn't got this blessing in disguise. This other friend thinks that he/she can chill out till the age of 25 in uni, then he/she wants to get his/her degree and get married. Yeah? Okay, now when this mate gets married - they want to chill out and have a laugh with their new wife or husband, probably like a year or something. Then they might think of having kids. So when they're in their 40s, they have a kid whose a teenager, and by the time they're in their 50s - only then they're child leaves uni and starts providing income for them.

Now compare this to your own situation. You probably got married when you're around 17-18, abit before or after. Then, you might have a kid around the age of 19 or 20. As the kid grows up, you can play with them since you're still young too. So you grow with your child, and by the time in your in your 30s or 40s, you can give up work and your kid - whose now an adult - will start providing for you.


Which option seems more fun? You decide. I wouldn't want to be an old man in my 50s running around after a football with a 9yr old kid. I'd rather do it when i'm in my young 30s.




The Glad Tidings in the Qur'an & Sunnah

Live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allâh brings through it a great deal of good.

[Qur'an Al Nisa 4:19]


In the tafsir of this verse, Ibn Kathir states;

Allah says that your patience, which is demonstrated by keeping wives whom you dislike, carries good rewards for you in this life and the Hereafter. Ibn `Abbas commented on this Ayah, "That the husband may feel compassion towards his wife and Allah gives him a child with her, and this child carries tremendous goodness.'' An authentic Hadith states,

«لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً، إِنْ سَخِطَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا، رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَر»

(No believing man should hate his believing wife. If he dislikes a part of her conduct, he would surely like another.)

Tafsir.com Tafsir Ibn Kathir

Are you convinced? Okay:

There's a few things which you should take into consideration when you do be with your new marriage partner, because communication is proper important in a relationship.

- The main one is that you actually do talk to the person, if you find language a barrier - try speaking to your parents in the native/home language of your partner to get a good practise of it. Because it may just be that you're shy to talk the language, whereas the partner might think you don't like them. So practise and attempts in the language are important. I'm learning urdu from my wife and I teach her english.

- Try to study the culture and some facts about the places they're coming from. This allows you to have things to discuss together which you can both be interested in. Exchanging facts and opinions with each other strengthens relationships alot.

- Its likely that they will be sensitive to the culture they've come from, so you need to show them that you are understanding to what they say. So if you have a negative view on something from that culture, don't say "i hate it", but instead ask them to show how they themselves percieve that same thing. It might be that you understand it and realise why its actually something good once you understand some background information on the topic.

- Keep common ground between each other, so you have something which you can both settle on if it looked like some argument was about to happen. For example, even the tone of your voice, or the expression on your face would influence what you say. You might want to grin, smile, or use a 'tune in your voice' when you want to make a point in a non aggressive way.

- Treat them like they're your own, not an outsider. This is something which they need alot - acceptance. The more you show them this, the more they'll feel comfortable with you, and the stronger your relationship will be, so life will be easier insha Allah.

A fact: When my relationship with Allah is low, i feel alot of conflict in the marriage. Set yourself a target as to how much times you'll make du'a (supplication) to Allah, even about aiding you in your marriage. The stronger your connection is with Allah, the better your relationship will be with the creation [which includes your marriage life].



Try your best - and see its fruits, insha Allah..

So remember, they're like you, if you feel that it'll never work - then you can't be sure of that in any marriage. Instead, every marriage is about experimenting, its about you trying your best - whatever efforts you put in, you'll see their fruits. Soon enough you won't even remember that they were from another country, you'll just remember the laughs you had together when you remember the memories - insha Allah.

5 Tips on Being a Confident Muslim

Asalaam alaikum Warahmatulah Wabarakatuh

5 Tips on Being a Confident Muslim

I've tried to gather 5 points which will help you to gain confidence in yourself insha Allah. This will in effect cause you to become more influential and play a more leading role amongst others, instead of being weak and unable to achieve.

1) It all starts from yourself. You measure yourself, your sincerety, and your actions.


Sincerety:

Sincerety is required in anything, to allow yourself to achieve a final goal. This sincerety encourages you to keep going - even when things aren't going the way you want them to, because you have a greater purpose you want to achieve.

Alot of people say - through personal experience - that when they lose their sincerety to Allah, they don't achieve much in their life. That's why you'll notice that the great leaders of this nation who achieved the most - had the most sincerety to Allah. So the obstacles which came in their way were little in their eyes, even though the problems were like mountains. Whereas the simplest of things are so hard for those lacking sincerety.

"Nothing is easy, except what Allah makes easy".

So understand your sincerety to Allah, its this time when you make du'a to Him more often - because there is none who can help you but him, so He responds to you - giving you the quick, but powerful results. Just think about the time when you didn't pray to Allah to help you in something, what happened? You either missed the target totally, or you reached your target with hardship, frustration and anxiety.

So look at all the great leaders in our Islamic history who achieved alot; the Messengers' of Allah, the companions, and the Mujadideen [the revivers of this religion.] Now, compare your deeds to theirs. Are they not similar? They're not? Then strive to be like them in as much different ways as you can.


I don't have their knowledge...

You're probably thinking that you don't have as much knowledge as them, so how can you do achieve what they did? The answer is, no. In some cases, some companions of Prophet Muhammad only saw him for a day, heard a few verses of Qur'an, and then went back to their home town, gave them da'wah [invitation] to Islam, and returned with their whole tribe as Muslims.

That's why, if you're one of those people who read alot of Islamic books, but keep asking why you're imaan isn't increasing as it did from the start. That's because you're not doing anything with that knowledge like you used to in the beginning. So all it does is soak into your mind, give you a 'reading high', and that's about it. I'm not saying that you should give fataawa [islamic legal rulings], but you should share that knowledge, or just strive to become better yourself personally due to that knowledge, even if that includes sacrificing some things in your life for Allah's sake - like you did at the beginning of your Islam! That makes you more determined in giving up the things you love in the future, giving a self confidence boost. I'll comment on this more in point no.3 insha Allah.


The main point being; You have a greater understanding of this life, and your relationship to it, even more than the 'great' Philosophers like Aristotle, Plato etc. because they had logic and some knowldge, but after all that philosophy, they concluded that there's no real truth in life.

How amazing! Their knowledge and intellect got them nowhere, whereas what Allah has taught you is sufficient, and will make you the most influential human on earth, if you are sincere!





2) Understand Allah's World.

If you understand yourself, and measure yourself consistently like the early generations of Muslims - you're continuously changing yourself for the better.

But that isn't it, you as a person need to understand the rules of the world Allah created you in. So you understand yourself and your relationship with the world, and its effects on your relationship with Allah.

So now understand Allah's world, and how you're relationship with Allah will be affected through it. In the Deen [Religion] and Dunya [Worldly affairs].


Now the average person will react in the world according to how others act. So if someone insults you, you insult back. If someone belittles you, you belittle them back.. sometimes you're weak and unable to insult back, thinking that you've lost. But that's just a limited understanding of the world.


So how does the world run? There's alot of information about it in the Qur'an and ahadith. For instance;

"If you have mercy to the ones on the earth, the One above the heavens [Allah] will have mercy on you." [Sunan al Tirmidhi]

[Sahih] Muslim recorded from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said:

«مَا نَقَصَ مَالٌ مِنْ صَدَقَةٍ، وَمَا زَادَ اللهُ عَبْدًا أَنْفَقَ إِلَّا عِزًّا، وَمَنْ تَوَاضَعَ للهِ رَفَعَهُ الله»

(Wealth never decreases because of Sadaqah (charity). Allah never increases a servant who gives in charity except in honor, and whoever is humble for the sake of Allah, Allah will raise him in status.)

So you understand from this, that if you are merciful to others, Allah will be merciful to you. If you humble yourself for Allah's sake, then Allah honours you. If you give to the poor, Allah makes you richer and gives you honor!

However you treat the people, Allah will treat you like that, but in a way that befits His Majesty. So give others, and Allah gives to you. Don't oppress others, because you don't want Allah to punish you. You won't insult others, or harm them unjustly, because you don't want Allah harming you. So instead of wasting your time in harming others, you help mankind for the better, making your scales of good deeds even heavier, without desiring or fearing their praise or criticism.

You're free from them, and their petty arguments.. you're in the skies with the angels by heart, while walking on earth. You're on a straight clear path with light on the other end, while others are pleased with bumping into each other in the darkness of misguidance. What a beautiful flight, with a beautiful destination for the one who truly understands the world of Allah...




We learn from Points #1 & #2:

So you understand from the previous point 1; yourself, criticizing yourself to get closer to Allah, making you reach the heights of the best character.

Previous Point 2: Your relationship with Allah's world, and however you treat the slaves of Allah, that's how Allah will treat you. So you feel comfort in knowing that your actions have reactions, for or against you.

So you understand yourself, and your Owner, and the world that you live in.





3) Be Brave and Bold [Confident]: -

Now Point 3: But sometimes, there's a lack of confidence. Why? Because you're scared of your society, that others misunderstand you. You're confident with understanding the rules of what Allah has given you, but there's a shyness to face the world with that good.




So this is why being Brave is necessary:

Imam Muslim narrated in his Sahih on the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both.

Guard over that which benefits you, seek Allah’s Assistance, wa laa ta’jiz (do not loose hope or deem yourself incapable), and if something befalls you, then don’t say ‘If I only would have done such and such,’ rather say, ‘Qaddarallahu wa maa sha’ fa’al’ (Allah ordained (this) and He does what He wills), for verily the phrase ‘If I would have’ opens the gate for the work of Shaytan.”

You have a truth which is so powerful, which you comprehend. You just want someone else to promote it everywhere, so that you don't have to, but you can feel happy that people can taste its true sweetness.

But it isn't so easy, because Allah's planned for us something greater. He wants us to get out of our comfort zone, and tell the world of this good. Making you reach the heights of goodness, instead of someone else doing it for you.

He Who created death and life that He may try you-- which of you is best in deeds; and He is the Mighty, the Forgiving,

(Qur'an Mulk 67:2)

Why does being Brave be helpful, and how do you actually achieve it?

First of all, bravery is not like being reckless. Reckless is when you do something without taking the harms into consideration.

Bravery is different though, because you actually plan on doing something which has risks, but you're preparing yourself for any harms that may come out of it, and when they do - you're willing to face the consequences in a responsible way.


So with bravery, you do something which has some risk involved, but if you achieve it - its for a greater good.



Why should I be brave?

Being brave makes you achieve something which you couldn't achieve if you were a coward (someone who lacks the inner strength to do something riskey.)

Being brave makes you surpass your limit to an even higher level. So if you were once afraid to face a fear, by forcing yourself to face it - you've surpassed that limit, so that you're not afraid of that thing anymore. If you continue being brave and forcing yourself to go even further - you gain more strength and inner confidence, and if you persist in coming out of your 'comfort zone' this way - you can achieve more good results in life. You're facing yourself, and your world - raising you in ways you can't imagine.



How do you actually become brave?

Imagine this scene;

Your with your family at home, and you hear a loud noise outside. It shakes your heart, you're scared.

"What was that?" you hear your little brother or sister say.. everyone starts to talk aloud, increasing the panic.

You have a choice, either you stay inside in fear with the family, confused, in doubt. Or you take a deep breath, get up, and go outside to find out what the loud noise was.

You tense yourself, and step outside. And realise it was a big telephone pole of metal which had crashed on the ground.


"'Phew', alhamdulillah it's alright." you go back inside and tell everyone that everythings okay.

Now, if you never had gone outside to check for the noise, you'd simply remain in fear all the time, until someone else informed you of what was happening. You'd continue hearing the whispers, the doubts, the confusion.. increasing you in distress.

But because you went outside, you faced your fear, you ignored the noise of the people, and understood the reality - this relaxed you, and made your heart at ease.

So they returned with favor from Allah and (His) grace, no evil touched them and they followed the pleasure of Allah; and Allah is the Lord of mighty grace. (Qur'an aal Imraan 3:174)

Don't make excuses for yourself!

The Golden Rule of being Brave -; If you think too long into whether you should face that fear and go ahead, or stay at home. Then you'll simply make excuses for yourself, and most likely choose the more weaker approach.

Remember the story of the companion of Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam), Ka'b ibn Malik? He always planned to go to the Battle of Tabuk, but the more he delayed his trip, the more he made excuses for himself to stay at home, and in the end he regretted that...


That's why you'll see in many cases that alot of the intellectual people are the last to get involved in any action-involved activity which involves risks. Why? Because they'll make the most excuses for themselves.

Whereas someone whose knowledge isn't just intellectual, but balanced with actions in life, does get involved. No Messenger of Allah came to people to give them knowledge only, but every Messenger was ordered to make their people do Actions!, based on knowledge.


So the final word; you should think of the benefits you are going to bring, you should take precautions, but then you should move ahead without changing your decision.







4) Any hardship you face in life, tell yourself; You're getting stronger.

For example, if someone insults you or punches you - don't let it put you down. Instead, this should make you happy and more confident. Remember, life is how you percieve it.

So that punch you recieved should make you feel stronger, because you're not the first one to recieve a punch for Allah's cause, and now you've faced something in life which you've never experienced before. You're even more aware of how to react next time if you were in a similar situation (in comparison to someone whose never experienced this before). It wasn't as bad as you thought, and it will recover insha Allah.

So you're not scared as much, your mind is set to become even stronger, so any hardship you faced should make you think; that wasn't too bad, if i face it again - i'll be even stronger than i was then.


This is also related to point 1, because you look upto the great figures in our Islamic history, and how - if they were able to sacrifice so much, and they were humans like us - then why can't we do the same? This is a technique which Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alayhi wasalam) used for his companions, so that when Khubaib was getting thrown on hot burning coal, he complained, and Allah's Messenger said that there were people before you who would be cut in half with a saw, and they never left their covenant with Allah. This made his companions even more stronger.


The final ingredient in this bravery through hardship is the most special - Belief in Destiny. You actually realise that by putting in this effort, Allah will aid you, and anything you face in this journey of good or bad - Allah has already written it for you. This leaves no place for regret, just learning from past mistakes, and gaining strength from that for the future.






5) Set yourself a Goal.

Alot of people want a purpose in the things that they do. When you have a purpose, you do things because you feel you'll get an end result - something to be pleased about. By not having goals in life, you remain in a state of anxiety because you feel worthless.

By making yourself have certain aims in life, you're striving for something. You're wanting to find the light at the end of the dark tunnel. So you should do new activities for the sake of Allah, to re-lighten your relationship with Allah. These activities might require you to sacrifice something personal, or make changes to yourself for the better. And we know that whenever you sacrifice something for Allah's sake, He replaces it with something even better.

“There is nothing that you leave out of God-consciousness except that Allaah will compensate you with something better” (Musnad Ahmad).

So you continuously raise your self in higher levels of bravery, sacrificing little by little to reach the next level each time, to the extent that you become like a firm mountain which is unmovable. You achieve greater goals for Allah's sake, becoming stronger against every opposition. This makes Allah proud of you, and you become more confident because Allah bestows upon you more eman [firm faith], and sukoon (tranquility/calmness.)





Mini History Lesson on how the greater Goal is the Most Effective

There are other religions, like Buddhism warriors - which encourage their followers to love this world less, so they continue to achieve goals which require sacrifice, and bravery which takes you to the next level.. these Buddhists won other nations in bravery due to this lack of attachment to the world, but they only fled and lost against the Muslims continuously, because the Muslims had the greater goal, of Jannah, and Allah's pleasure. Making them successful, in this life, and the next against their enemy.

So the powerful Buddhists, whose secret in victory was distancing from this world only for the sake of this world, they did not have belief in Allah, nor did they believe in a life of reward to come. This was a cause of their loss. While Muslims distanced from this world with the goal of Jannah (Paradise), with trust and hope in Allah's aid, so Allah increased them strength after strength, finally making them victorious.

That's why you'll notice, the Afghanistan people are a people who have hardly lost a war in history, except against the Muslims. They would never leave their religion of Buddhism, but when the Muslims came - they were defeated, so they accepted Islam, and have stayed firm on their victories, aswell as religion since that time.






The Results...

So your goal is the most Sincere, most Beneficial, most Powerful, and the Most rewarding.

This in effect, makes you the most confident of people from mankind. Strive for it, and ask Allah to help you.. and it might just be that Allah brings alot of good through you for mankind, in this life and the next.

What is the Emotion blog?

Asalaamu alaykum (peace be on you)

The Emotion Blog is dedicated to alot of self-help articles which help people get stronger emotionally, and psychologically. All sorts of topics are discussed.


Enjoy :)